I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night. I wanted it to be special
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Jizz
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When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include "being fucking awesome at everything."
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My mom recently bought a Jesus shaped flashlight When I asked her why she said: So whenever someone says "I can't see" I can be like "here, let Jesus light the path"
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Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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What do people from the 1930's and /r/news jokes have in common? They're both old.
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CW: The boss said she wanted to see you. Me: That's flattering, but I don't date people from work.
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I think r/jokes may be glitched Top of all time and new both show the same jokes
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Is that mine? I was walking down the street when I saw black guy with a laptop. Is that mine? I thought. It looks exactly like mine... but that can't be... Mine should be at home cleaning my shoes.
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A programmer began to cuss Because getting to sleep was a fuss. When laying in her bed Looping round in her head Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;
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Why are normal human body temperatures around 98.7*F? Because we're all a little obtuse.
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Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be? Me: Can they both be dead?
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Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive. 2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn't tell anyone else that they were vegan.
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Did you hear about the man who choked on an issue of The Guardian after learning about his brothers passing? He found the news hard to swallow.
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I am an expert at making balloon animals. May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?
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What is Jeb Bush's campaign slogan? Third time's the charm
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Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
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Put the punchline in the title. How do you piss off a redditor?
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Got disoriented and walked into the wrong classroom. Didn't want to look stupid so I just went ahead and switched majors.
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Islam is a race. Because it's inbreeds fucking each other.
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No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
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Dad and son A son asks his father "Why does my bum hurt" while the father replies "Because I love you son"
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Why doesn't Hitler go ski? Cause he's blown his fucking head.
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Life is like art done in chalk, beautiful but temporary, enjoy it while possible.
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What do black men find most shocking about sex? Tazers
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What type of fruit is not allowed to get married? Cantaloupe...
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asdf
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A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.' The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: 'Because he's far too heavy.'
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If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.
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The Presidential Debate We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't
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ME: all the King's horses and men couldn't put u back together HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now M: [opening package of bacon] I'll think of something
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I feel quite light today. Pounds aren't what they used to be.
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Yup. If pasta & antipasta ever touch, they annihilate. For your safety, that's why restaurants never serve them together.
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What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae
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I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.
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I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you'd like one because you're an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
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If these walls could talk I'd fuckin' move out immediately.
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What's a pirate's favourite type of weaponry? It's ARRRtillery! bonus: A pirate's favourite melee weapon? A scimitARRR
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Two fish are in a tank... One is driving, and the other is manning the guns.
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