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How do you send a dog to space? Laika boss.

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How many bear arms could Bear Grylls bear to bear if Bear Grylls could bear to bear bear arms? bear

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How do you react to the fragrance of a bottle of wine from the year 2000? Smells like teen spirit.

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What's the best way to work your trapezius muscles? *shrugs*

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He's dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He's a shit pinata. He's gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

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Went to fight.. Hockey game broke out.

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What's fun about having sex with twenty-one year olds? You know, there is twenty of them

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All right, Mr. Bank Guy. My business plan is forcing my pregnant dog to drink beer so its puppies are deformed and I can make money off them

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What do robots put at the bottom of their e-mails? Yours tin-sincerely.

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I'm scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

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So I drew a perfect circle today. You could say I finally got around to it.

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Underage girl, sucking on daddy's cock, gets jizzed on all over he......... Oh I'm sorry, I thought this was a google image search.

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What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and an autonomous robot...? Nothing... they were both made to steal American jobs.

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What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and an autonomous robot...? Nothing... they were both made to steal American jobs.

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What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and an autonomous robot...? Nothing... they were both made to steal American jobs.

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Coworker: Stop Me: collaborate and listen Coworker: Don't Me: you forget about me Coworker: Hey! Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels

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I like my women like I like my coffee... [Fill in the blank]

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They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama.... The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen

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What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.

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Go to racist joke, what's yours? Two unemployed Irishmen walk past a police notice board with "two black men wanted for rape" first one says "fucking niggers get all the best jobs"

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Sex makes your day, but anal makes you hole weak..

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First woman on the moon W: Houston, we have a problem H: What is it? W: Nevermind its nothing H: What is the problem? W: Nothing... H: Tell us what the problem is! W: NO!

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They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama.... The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen

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Who is better? The 3rd wave feminist or the pencil? The pencil is better. It has a point.

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Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans? So people can read her lips.

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Impotence: Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings"

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TIL A ref can show a player the red card for a loud fart ... even if it isn't Messi.

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Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.

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My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come crawling back soon..

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