"honey don't you think you're treating one of our kids unfairly?" "who? Tim, Felix or the fat one?"
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Adulting
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There's a black man in my family tree... He's been hanging there for a while now.
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If we have learned anything from the Friday the 13th movies, it's that Jason mainly kills people having sex. Most of you should be good.
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I wonder if Bruce Wayne ever wears a Batman t-shirt.
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What do you call a black man who flies a plane? A pilot, you assholes.
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Its poor! But, What happens when Supper stars fart in public? lol
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I’ll admit I’m building QUITE the adult social network ??
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i think you adult enough )
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How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt.
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Why don't you want your nose to be 12 inches long? because then it would be a foot!
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If there are three gay guys in a bath and a lump of cum floats to the surface, what do they say? Who farted?
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If you're reading this you're probably addicted to the internet. And by internet, I mean Facebook.
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Jokers of Reddit, any good blonde jokes or punch lines out there?
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Pokemon Go has really improved my life... I used to always get in trouble for playing with my balls outside.
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Why does Helen Keller wear tight jeans? So people can read her lips.
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A Bug's Mind What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he crashes into a windshield? His asshole.
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My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.
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Today I learned two things: 1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals 2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
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Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the "orange you glad I didn't say banana" knock knock joke
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Libertarian Presidential Candidate's new Campaign, inspired by Bernie Sanders. "Feel the Johnson"
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asdf3333
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Why did the Canadian cross the road? Because that's the direction his car was sliding.
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What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet! =D
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What do you call kangarooo jump and play hocky? the fam copter
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Make sure you don't forget the 'R' when you're Googling, "movies of Gary Oldman."
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When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.
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How many portuguese people can fit on a scooter? A Brazilian
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Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants? Incase he gets a hole in one
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Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they could spend years at C.
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If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.
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Impotence: Nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings"
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I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.
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What's the difference between wild Iranian Ossetra caviar and my penis? One is a delicacy (Deh-Lih-Cuh-See) and the other is a delicady (Deh-Lih-Cuh-Dee) Edit: The D
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A woman's JJ sized breasts saved her life in a car accident. Those same breasts were the cause of her husbands death in a motorboating accident.
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My favorite knock knock joke. I need someone to start it ... Someone start the knock knock joke ...
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TIL A ref can show a player the red card for a loud fart ... even if it isn't Messi.
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Descartes walks into the bar. The bartender asks him, "will you have your usual tonight?" Rene replies "I think not" and he disappears.
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Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.
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What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet
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Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
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What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae
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"You know what." -- They.
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What the quickest way to a mans heart? Though his chest with a knife
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Why can't a bike stand on it's own? Because it is two tired.
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Two fish are in a tank... One is driving, and the other is manning the guns.
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What was the name of Paul Revere's favorite porno mag? The British are Coming
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How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's? It smells like teen spirit.
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How many people does it take to change a light bulb in Brazil? A Brazillion!!! http://imgur.com/c4CJjUd
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Putting captions in the wrong place You know what I hate the most...?
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I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. Well played, Google.
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First woman on the moon W: Houston, we have a problem H: What is it? W: Nevermind its nothing H: What is the problem? W: Nothing... H: Tell us what the problem is! W: NO!
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I wish I was having an adult social hour..... Who else?
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Today I learned two things: 1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals 2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
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I once had a crippiling masturbation addiction... ...now i have a sex addiction, could you say my addiction has gotten out of hand?
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What's a pirate's favourite type of weaponry? It's ARRRtillery! bonus: A pirate's favourite melee weapon? A scimitARRR
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What was the name of Paul Revere's favorite porno mag? The British are Coming
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What do you call a midget with no teeth A gum job.
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How does the social network feel about my big tits? #32dddmilf
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Riding a cock at my local adult sex theater
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